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Going Home Again: Family Communication Tips For Adults

Going Home Again: Family Communication Tips for Adults

You’re an adult now – really you are! Your employer thinks you’re an adult. Your friends have no doubts about your age and adulthood. You pay your bills, maintain a busy calendar, negotiate your rent or mortgage, and accomplish other “adult” tasks. And – most of the time – you actually believe you are an adult…

Then the phone rings, there’s a knock at the door or you are in the process of honorably fulfilling that adult responsibility – a visit to your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins or other extended family members – and suddenly you seem to shrink to small-child stature. While the law says you officially became an adult at a specific age, you may not really feel “grown up” until several years later. But, someone forgot to tell your family! Your parents (and others who saw you grow up) still see you as a child. You are still, to your family, a kid. No matter how successful you are, your family may have a tough time forging a new relationship – with the adult you now are. That’s normal and happens to most of us. 

But, another thing happens in families. Over the years, family members develop and rehearse – over and over – a family script. Each person has a role and is expected by others to be consistent in acting out the lines dictated by that role. You might have had the experience of predicting what your parent will say before the words actually can be heard. However, when one person significantly changes the script, everyone else is likely to be surprised and to try mightily to get the offender back on track.

For example, maybe you were always considered the shy, quiet one – the one who would just go along, rather than make waves. But, that’s not the adult you now are. You’ve learned how to be assertive and have (mostly) overcome that shyness. So – you go home and try that new assertive you on your family. You’ve now tweaked that script and changed the rules – without telling anyone. You probably won’t much like your family’s response, as they try to get back the child they once knew – the one who doesn’t cause such problems. 

The harder your family works at getting back the old you, the more likely it is that they will be successful. That is, unless you know how to educate your family about the person you’ve become. If you don’t, you will probably leave each of these interactions feeling, once again, like the child you thought you’d left behind. You might feel guilty at having contributed to the family discord, angry at being discounted, frustrated at “failing” one more time with your family or just sad that the progress you thought you’d made seems to have disappeared – at least, for now.  

The bottom line may be that what could have been a pleasant, non-conflicted interaction has now turned into the “same old thing” you went through as a child. And you may end up (no matter what age you now are) needing some time and help to feel, once again, like the competent adult you really are. 

Keep reading if you’d like some tips for dealing with those family communication challenges.

12 TIPS FOR MORE EFFECTIVE ADULT FAMILY COMMUNICATION

 1 – Remind yourself (often!) that it’s normal for your family to forget that you are an adult!

 2 – Prepare for phone calls and visits, so that you don’t have to improvise on the spot.

 3 – Make a list of the positive characteristics of the mature person you now are. Include the tasks of adulthood – especially those you think your family doesn’t recognize in you. For example, a list might include items such as these: financially responsible, good parent, successful at living independently, stable friends, able to speak up when necessary, etc.

 4 – Include on your list, even the small positives in your life, such as paying off a small debt, telling a friend something difficult, etc.

 5 – Write each item on a small card, to review when you need reminders of who you’ve become.

 6 – Take some alone time (before a phone call or visit) to remember your successes – and how good that feels. Notice your body probably feels different and less tense, when you stay in touch with the competent, confident you. Remember that feeling – you’ll need it later.

 7 – Practice using positive self-talk, using your cards if necessary, to get back the good feeling that comes from remembering your successes.

 8 – Before each interaction with a potentially problematic family member, use that self-talk and the remind yourself of how confident and competent you really are in most of your life. If anything happens in a conversation to cause you to revert to that child-like feeling, excuse yourself for a minute (bathroom visit, urgent phone call, etc.), and use that time to read those cards! Then return to the conversation.

 9 – Don’t change the rules, alter the script, without telling the other person. If they don’t expect something different, they’ll work even harder to get things back to “normal.”

10 – You might want to try this format for explaining your changes to your family: First, acknowledge what is happening. Then explain what you want or plan on doing.

11 – Include some version of appreciation for their efforts in each statement.

12 – Try something like this to announce a rules change: “I know I’m sounding a little different (acknowledgement), but I’d really appreciate it if you’d hear me out on this (what you want).” Or, “I know you’re concerned about me (acknowledgement) and I really appreciate that. I promise to let you know if I need some help (what you plan on doing).”

These are only a few strategies for more effective communication with your family. If you’d like some help figuring out why you’re having such a tough time with your family, and if you would like to develop a more extended “tool-box” of strategies for more effective communication with family members, this might be the time to seek out some professional help. I offer consultation and counseling – and a free phone consultation to help you figure out what your next step should be. Give me a call now at 310 475-1759 or visit my website for more information.

www.timhawkins.net Oh, the misconceptions and realities of homeschool life, from comedian (and homeschool dad) Tim Hawkins.
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Make Gardening a Family Event

Show them how much you enjoy gardening. Spend time in your garden. It is especially easy to stimulate a child’s interests when they see you having fun.

Make gardening easy. Don’t expect a perfect garden. Allow your family to work at their own pace and within their attention spans and age range, especially children.

Dig it! Kids love to dig. This is a great way to teach the basics while letting them play and just have fun. 

Let them play an active role in planning. Take your children to the local nursery and let them pick seeds or transplants to start their garden. Take your time and let them browse and enjoy all of the beautiful plants.

Grow a theme garden. This is a great way to let your children use their imagination and express their creativity. The sky is the limit. Some great ideas are gardens that coincide with the holidays, alphabet gardens, a garden themed in their favorite colors, a sensory garden where you can experience different smells, tastes, textures and sights, or a “Freedom Garden”.

Give children their own “kid sized” tools. They don’t have to be expensive. You can go with an old spoon and a bucket that you have around the house or you can venture down to the garden center and purchase garden tools made for children’s hands.

Give them a space to call their own. It doesn’t have to be big. This will teach them ownership and responsibility, and your children will be able to take credit for their own little space.

Get crafty! Press or dry flowers to make a beautiful arrangement, make potpourri, or make a pomander ball. Children love making things and will be amazed at the crafts and gifts that they can make from the garden.

Grow a vegetable garden. Your children will be amazed that they can grow their own food. Be sure to use organic pesticides.

Use gardening to brush up your children’s math and science skills. Let them count the seeds they are planting, or teach them how plants are living things. Not only will you capture their attention, you will be polishing their skills as you go.

Have a contest. Kids love to be rewarded. Be sure to give each child a reward; the biggest tomato, the prettiest flower, or perhaps the best tasting herbs (a little Spray-N-Grow will help!)

Don’t try to do it all! Pick a few of these tips that you know are best for your family and have fun with them. After all, gardening is meant to be fun and easy. And with a little help, something the whole family can enjoy.

Original Article

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How genealogy family tree software, you can help

As things seem so much over the years that you want to make sure that you keep the memories, as you remember it so because it relates to Recent additions are shown to your family will change. The way many choose to do this is with a genealogy tree. This gives you another way to come past and present information in a format that is understandable, so easy to keep divided.

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Getting everyone who is part of the family, whether new approaches through marriage, young children or elderly relatives, you could one day or an evening of arrival, the information on to add it, so that each part play there, and documentation, that something important photographic or otherwise, as their contribution.

It is definitely understandable how such a great tool is useful in this day and age. The only way we could pass on such details before come by word of mouth and we know that the information can mess up and lost in transition. Be a part of something important about you and where you came from.

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